NED BABY!!

     I haven't shared a blog in quite awhile. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, my last surgery left my right arm a bit debilitated. Typing wasn't on the top of my priority list of things to start trying to do. On the list were things such as putting on a shirt without crying, brushing my hair and teeth, showering. Eating. Necessities. Thankfully I have achieved each of these goals and then some. I have also learned to do a lot more with my left arm like picking up my babies. The other reason I have neglected the blog I'm afraid to admit is because of lack of motivation. It has affected other areas as well. Things that I usually enjoy. Cooking, reading, getting dressed up, cleaning. Yes, I actually usually enjoy cleaning! I have picked up The Help several times in an attempt to read it. After reading the first page about 12 times, I realized it was a lost cause. I am so blessed to have the support system I do. Thanks to my husband, mother-in-law, friends and especially my wonderful mother, the slack has been picked up. I have still missed my motivation. I miss me.

     Exhaustion is the hardest part of all of this. Even when I have gotten over a surgery or the pain, I am still left with tired. Just plain tired. Tired makes everything but rest less important. It is hard to explain to someone how you feel bad on the inside when you look completely normal on the outside. Even harder is remembering to explain it to yourself. To allow yourself to succumb to what your body needs. To accept the fact that I need a nap to function. That I can't meet every goal every day, even if it is just 2 loads of laundry. To be okay with the fact that I don't feel like cooking, again. I am learning. It's all about baby steps.

     My surgeon, Dr. Gonzales, removed 24 lymphnodes from my arm on my last visit to Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa. A person usually has about 12 to 24 in this area. I have had a lot more pain than I expected but was assured that it was because of the large number of lymphnodes. The more that is taken out of you, the more pain. Makes sense. Once the drain fro this surgery is removed and everything is in order, I will begin treatment. Starting with radiation for about 3 weeks followed by immunotherapy with Interferon for one year. I am sure I will learn even more over the next year about how to listen to my body. I am told chronic fatigue is experienced in 80 to 100 percent of people who go through these treatments. I don't explain all of this to complain but to rejoice.

     Of the 24 lymphnodes that were removed, NONE were positive! Not one. The surgery before last, an ovary that I was told they were 99.9% sure was cancer came back benign. If I would have had melanoma on my ovary I was later told, I would have had a "very poor" prognosis. As of today I am considered NED (no evidence of disease)!!!!! I have been praying for this since I was diagnosed. The treatment is to give me a better chance of not having a recurrence which unfortunately I have extremely high chances of. And as my oncologists have explained, there are always those nasty unseen cells lurking around. But guess what? I have beat a lot of odds already! So I take on this next year and everything that comes with it because I believe that it will help me. And hope has a meaning to me that I have never experienced.

     On Friday I took 2 kids to doctors appointments, went to watch my sweet Audrey dance at a pep rally, and took Alex to a birthday party. Big day. On Saturday I cooked dinner for my family. Today I'm blogging. This week I plan to pick that book up again and actually get past the first page. Baby steps. I know the next year will be hard but I know I have people literally all over this world saying prayers daily for me. That is so empowering. I love my life and the people in it and I cherish each day more than I ever have. Do me two favors if you are reading this blog. Be thankful for every day that you have and every breath that you breathe. Life is a vapor. And continue to pray for me. I feel the love.

Baby Loves

     Tonight I want to talk about my kids. The three most important little people in my life. I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and it has been the single greatest thing I have ever done. I am so blessed and thankful to have these precious babies in my life. I also think that everything happens for a reason and depsite what other people may think about how young I was when I had my children, I am so grateful that things worked out the way they did. I could only imagine the devastation I would feel if I had gone itno this most recent surgery without having had my chidren already. If things had turned out any differently, I would not have been able to have children. Thank the Lord we actually got the best news possible and I only lost one ovary whose tumor was BENIGN! I have never had so many moments of pure revelation about God's hand and plan in my life than I have in the past month.

     My oldest child is Alexandra, we all call her Alex. She is so smart, sometimes too smart for her own good. She is dramatic and passionate, beautiful and sensitive. She fills our house with music (as basically anything she does in a day is easily translated into a song that she makes up as she goes along) and she is truly a great big sister to the 2 babies. She can be exhausting but her energy is also something our house would not be the same without. She is fully convinced that she is going to be a "famous pop star" when she grows up and is constantly tossing out ideas as to what the perfect stage name would be! She is full of life and she will always hold a special place in my heart because she made me a mommy.

     Jett is our middle child and at 2 and a half has proved that he is definitely all boy. He is rough around the edges but when you can pin him down for cuddle time, it is sooooo sweet. This is usually in the morning and then again at night when he starts getting sleepy but hey, I'll take what I can get. He does therapy twice a week and has learned so much just in the 5 months since we've been back in Florida. Although he is still working on speech, I can tell he is going to be incredibly smart as well. He loves to figure out how things work or are put together. He likes things to be a certain way. I love watching him learn new things every day. We tried for a year before becoming pregnant with him and he was my roughest pregnancy. But let me tell you this boy is worth every broken rib, early contraction, morning sickness, sleepless night and tear drop. Every single one.

     Last but not least is Scarlett Grace, aka Jonesy Bug, our 1 year old. Our "surprise" baby. Best surprise ever. I decided to continue the surprises by not finding out if she was a girl or boy and I didn't even know what her name was going to be until a few minutes after she was born. And she continues to surprise me every day. I don't know how our family existed without her before. Even at 1, it is already very clear what kind of personality she has. She is the sweetest, most smiley baby. She really does bring a great deal of happiness into our lives because her happiness is so contagious. She is cautious but once she gets to know you, she loves you and her loyalty is unwaivering. She is the chubbiest little thing and waited until just recently to start walking which I am convinced is because her legs are so fat that it took awhile for her feet to get strong enough to support them! She is the best little baby I know!

     There is no way I could ever put into words or fully express how much I love my children. Which is another reason why fighting is my only option. There is no way on earth that I would be able to look at their sweet little faces every day and do any less. It is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. Worrying about my babies. I'm not allowed to lift them for 6 weeks. How do you explain to a baby that you can't pick them up? It's breaking my heart already. I still look normal on the outside to them and then out of nowhere treatment will begin to change me physically and certainly take a toll. I won't be able to do the things I have always done before. How do you explain that to a baby? Mommy is here but she's not really here like you're used to. So one of my most often prayed prayers is that they know how much I still love them. I pray that God fills in for me and that this is harder on me than it is on them. That their daddy and all of the other people around them who love them can somehow pick up my slack just for a little bit until I can be their supermommy again. It is just another one of the learning processes we will have to go through. Figuring out creative ways to be and do as much as I can for them even on my weakest days.

     So as cliche as it may sound, I hope this inspires you to cling to the ones that you love. To never take them for granted. Hold your babies often. You can never say "I love you" too much. You can never read too many story books, never sing too many songs. You can never take too many walks and certainly you can never, ever give too many hugs or kisses. I'm nowhere near perfect and I have fallen short in the past. Taken people for granted. Taken things for granted. It's never too late. Don't hold things that are important in. Just because you don't say something out loud, doesn't make it any less true. Love should be screamed from the mountain tops and especially children should hear it the loudest. I LOVE YOU ALEXANDRA, JETT, and SCARLETT GRACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    

A Moment of Silence

     Today I am playing the waiting game. This part is hard because I know in just a few days, everything is going to be chaotic, 2 surgeries will be happening back to back and as soon as I recover from them, treatment will begin. I know that I should be trying to enjoy this part, taking in everything around me, clinging to these moments where I still feel okay despite the chronic fatigue that I have become accustomed to. But let me tell you, it is hard. I can't seem to get my brain to relax. I am constantly thinking. Trying to figure out how I became a "member" of this club I didn't sign up for. Thinking about how everything is going to go when I can't do the things I am used to doing. Worrying about the effect it is going to have on my babies to see me like this. Trying to predict how treatment is going to make me feel. I could go on but I'm sure you get the idea. I just want a moment of silence!

     It seems that no matter what I am doing, everything always goes back to cancer and I have had enough! I want my life back. So I have decided to take it back. It has already stolen so much from me, how dare it try to steal the moments that I actually have control over. To think that I was actually letting this SOB get "under my skin" in more ways than the literal one! Time to "man up"and get ready for war. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If I am going to fight this thing, I should probably stop allowing it into my territory. I have control over my mind. I don't have to let it dwell there. I have been reading some other blogs and books and stories from cancer fighters and survivors and I was sort of beginning to get aggrivated with the war comparisons. But now I get it. We are at war here and a serious one. When you are fighting for your life, you are at the front of enemy lines. There may not be literal bullets but I feel like I'm dodging them all the time. And I think I should be clear that I don't expect to win every single battle but I fully expect to be the victor at the end of this war. And the really cool part of all of this is that I've got some awesome armor at my disposal.

Deut 20:3-4 (NIV) ..."Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be faint-hearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."     I know that I am not alone. Not only do I trust that God is carrying me through this process and fighting with and for me, but that He has given a host of other resources at my disposal. I do not think for one second that it is chance or fate that I have all of the amazing people in my life that I do. They were each put here for a reason. My own personal heroes. Some are really good at encouragement. Some are great at just listening. Some are awesome cooks and wonderful with my kids. Some are incredible planners and organizers and others still just seem to always know when I need an encouraging email, song or verse.

     This morning started out rough, my mind just reeling but it seems as if I'm never allowed to just wallow without Him coming (or sending someone else) to my rescue. So please pray for me, that I may be constantly reminded that I have choices. Though I didn't choose cancer nor do I have any control over what it does to my body, I can control my mind and I refuse to let it threaten my spirit. So here's to starting every day and ending each night with thanksgiving and positivity and refusing to blurry the lines of where this cancer can and can't go! And thank you all for the prayers and encouragement. I feel the love. Now, I'm going to go and enjoy a moment of silence.

I Do Not Fight Alone

     Today I am going to tell you a story about some of that human compassion I was talking about. On Saturday night, I witnessed a huge amount of people, many of them that I had never even met, come together to support me. What started out as an idea from a dear friend, Lauran, snowballed into a huge event in just a matter of a week and a half. Lauran's boyfriend, Chavis, plays guitar for a local (and awesome) band called New Earth Army. I love going to their shows and have become friends with the band members through Lauran. When I was diagnosed about a month ago, something happened that I still find hard to comprehend sometimes. My friends and family cried with me on August 24th and then were ignited by some wildfire that caused them to spring into action and start making things happen.

     The benefit that was held for me on Saturday was called Rock for Hollie. It started out as a New Earth Army show and the band had graciously decided to give me whatever they made that night. That in itself was enough to bring tears to my eyes. What it turned into was enough to change me forever. From one band to FIVE bands, local artists who donated art, local businesses who donated items to be raffled, the owners of the restaurant and bar donating their location and 10 percent of all food sales for the night, local magazines, newspapers, and radio stations letting this awesome community know about the event, my friends banding together to make (and sale all night) bracelets, koozies, t-shirts, car decals, and more. Even as I write about it, I am still trying to absorb it.

     It is not about money, it is not about how much is collected, but I have to tell you because it is amazing. Since I was diagnosed a month ago, my friends and family have raised over $10,000.00!!!!!! IN ONE MONTH. I don't know about you, but to me that is a miracle. The peace of mind that I have been given about the financial aspects of dealing with this awful thing, knowing that I don't have to stress about the costs of traveling back and forth, has allowed me to dwell on more important things like getting well and spending time with my family. The doctors are telling me that stage 4 Metastatic Melanoma is considered "incurable" and the treatments we are discussing will most likely last for a year (or more). But when I see what has happened over the last month, I am filled with such hope. I do not believe that God brought me to this to let me die. I have too much left to do on this earth. And God doesn't operate on doctors terms. I am going to beat this. And the best part is, I do not fight alone! I have everyone fighting with me.

     I want to thank everyone who came out on Saturday night, the bands that played for free (New Earth Army, Doc Holidays, Western Youth, Hotel Oscar, and Summerbreeze). I want to thank the owners of the Funky Blues Shack and Grafitti's, Jay and Sherry. I want to thank the local artists who donated art to be auctioned (900 dollars was raised just from art). I want to thank all of the local businesses who donated items to be raffled. I want to thank my friends who made or had made bracelets, car decals, t-shirts, koozies (and then sold them all night! Leo, Lauran, Tara, Molly, Jodi, Aubrey, Jeannie, Jessica, Tricia, anyone else who helped with that). I want to thank 99 Rock and Woofy for doing the radio spot all week and then the band interview on Friday. Love ya Woofy! I want to thank the NWF Daily News and the Beachcomber for doing multiple articles on the event. And I want to thank this awesome community in general. I love where I live. And I want to thank my family and friends for standing behind me and cheering me on, supporting me, loving me, inspiring me, and pushing me to fight. If I forgot anyone, I am so sorry. No amount of thanks I could say will ever express how grateful I am and how inspired I am. When I am well, I plan on doing this event every year to raise Melanoma awareness and funds to help support the research for new treatments, especially for stage 4 Melanoma.

     People always say everything happens for a reason. If the only reason I was brought to this place is to grow closer to God, realize even more how precious relationships and fellowship are, and be inspired to make a change, then I am better for it already. We have a long way to go, I can only imagine what will happen next! I am not excited about cancer. But I can't help but be excited about what else it is going to teach me.

  

The "c-word"

      I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time. Trying to think of a clever name, the different things I would write about, will anyone even read it? On August 24th, I decided when I had a free minute, I was going to start this long overdue blog. Even if no one ever reads it, I believe it will be therapeutic for me. And the people in my life have made it too amazing not to share. The timeline of this blog may jump around a bit. I will eventually have to talk about how amazing my beautiful children are, how different people have come into my life, and stories that come to mind that may have happened long ago. All just pieces of the beautiful life I have been blessed with.

     August 24th started out like any other Wednesday. Getting my oldest daughter off to school, taking care of the babies, seeing my husband off to work, laundry, dishes, playing. Life. At around noon, I got a phone call from one of my dearest friends, Jodi. You will grow to know and love this lady if you read my blog. It was a devastating phone call. She had lost her baby. We had all been so excited about the newest member of our "family" to come. A precious new life to watch unfold. Another little sweetheart to add to our growing group of beautiful children. Needless to say it was a very sad moment. We cried together on the phone, I told her I was so sorry but I didn't know what to say. Nothing that would make it better. The phone calls started circulating between different friends. We were all coming together in a time of sadness to support our friend. None of us knowing what else this dreadful day still had lurking around the corner, waiting to rear its ugly head later in the afternoon.  Cancer. Yes, the "c-word". I know, I'm shocked too.

     Another phone call came at about 4:00. The phone call that would change my life forever. As if the day hadn't been sad enough, I now found myself trying to digest the words my doctor was saying to me. The room spinning around me while time stood still. The moment I began to feel as if I were living someone else's life. I have Metastatic Melanoma. I didn't even know what that meant. I needed to have more surgery and a PET scan. I could hear him but he couldn't possibly be talking to me, could he? The next thing I remember is crying in a ball on the kitchen floor as floods of my friends starting pouring into my house. I couldn't stand that day and so they stood for me. Another thing you will learn through this blog is that I am surrounded by what I believe to be the best support system anyone could ever imagine. The stories I have to tell will renew your faith in human compassion just as experiencing them have for me.

     Having cancer is obviously no walk in the park. I am currently classified as a stage 3 but was told by my oncologist that I will be classified stage 4 if the cancer has in fact spread to the areas that the PET scan showed. Any distant metastases automatically qualify you for stage 4. What a prize right? Many people have asked me how I have stayed so positive through this. And I know the answer. God, my family, my friends and even complete strangers have left me no choice but to feel encouraged, strengthened, and powerful. This is not to say that I am not human. I still have my hard days. Days where acceptance of this thing that has invaded my body is impossible. Days where I am crippled with fear. Days where I worry about my babies. Days when everything hits me like a ton of bricks all over again and I am brought to my knees. But I have learned that spending a lot of time there is the best thing I can do. And my good days have far out numbered my bad days because of all I am blessed with.

     Taking one step at a time, one day at a time is how we live our lives now. I know that there is a reason for all of this, probably more than one. I have already seen things happen as a result of this that I am amazed by. I know that my own life and outlook are forever changed. I hope that some of the stories I share through this blog will encourage someone else. For now, I am going to play with my kids!