A Moment of Silence

     Today I am playing the waiting game. This part is hard because I know in just a few days, everything is going to be chaotic, 2 surgeries will be happening back to back and as soon as I recover from them, treatment will begin. I know that I should be trying to enjoy this part, taking in everything around me, clinging to these moments where I still feel okay despite the chronic fatigue that I have become accustomed to. But let me tell you, it is hard. I can't seem to get my brain to relax. I am constantly thinking. Trying to figure out how I became a "member" of this club I didn't sign up for. Thinking about how everything is going to go when I can't do the things I am used to doing. Worrying about the effect it is going to have on my babies to see me like this. Trying to predict how treatment is going to make me feel. I could go on but I'm sure you get the idea. I just want a moment of silence!

     It seems that no matter what I am doing, everything always goes back to cancer and I have had enough! I want my life back. So I have decided to take it back. It has already stolen so much from me, how dare it try to steal the moments that I actually have control over. To think that I was actually letting this SOB get "under my skin" in more ways than the literal one! Time to "man up"and get ready for war. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If I am going to fight this thing, I should probably stop allowing it into my territory. I have control over my mind. I don't have to let it dwell there. I have been reading some other blogs and books and stories from cancer fighters and survivors and I was sort of beginning to get aggrivated with the war comparisons. But now I get it. We are at war here and a serious one. When you are fighting for your life, you are at the front of enemy lines. There may not be literal bullets but I feel like I'm dodging them all the time. And I think I should be clear that I don't expect to win every single battle but I fully expect to be the victor at the end of this war. And the really cool part of all of this is that I've got some awesome armor at my disposal.

Deut 20:3-4 (NIV) ..."Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be faint-hearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."     I know that I am not alone. Not only do I trust that God is carrying me through this process and fighting with and for me, but that He has given a host of other resources at my disposal. I do not think for one second that it is chance or fate that I have all of the amazing people in my life that I do. They were each put here for a reason. My own personal heroes. Some are really good at encouragement. Some are great at just listening. Some are awesome cooks and wonderful with my kids. Some are incredible planners and organizers and others still just seem to always know when I need an encouraging email, song or verse.

     This morning started out rough, my mind just reeling but it seems as if I'm never allowed to just wallow without Him coming (or sending someone else) to my rescue. So please pray for me, that I may be constantly reminded that I have choices. Though I didn't choose cancer nor do I have any control over what it does to my body, I can control my mind and I refuse to let it threaten my spirit. So here's to starting every day and ending each night with thanksgiving and positivity and refusing to blurry the lines of where this cancer can and can't go! And thank you all for the prayers and encouragement. I feel the love. Now, I'm going to go and enjoy a moment of silence.